There is an Alan Alda poster here that freaks out about this stuff but it is super true.
OT. Anyone fight with spouse about money?
- Thread starter RedBaloneyPony
- Start date
But if she would just listen then he wouldn't have to yell.
I'm partially kidding.
I agree. Women are very indecisive and it gives them anxiety. They like their man to take charge and make decisions.
Like when you call them "sugar tits" and tell them to get you a sanka...and when they come back with your sanka...you tell them to suck your dong.
Probably. That’s why I’m looking for advice or sound board to get my wife in the mental capacity that it’s ok to put money away for future and it’s ok to not spend more than we make. You know, financial peace
Wife and I keep separate accounts. We disagree about other things, and the marriage is pretty much a business partnership with a kid. So I basically just go through each day waiting for Tuco from Grand Island to find my post and write a diss track.
haven't read everything in this thread, but instead of trying to get her to see things your way, how about saying, Here is the monthly budget I have set aside, and ask for her input on it. You don't have to include the savings on the budget, just show her the spending budget. Let her move some money from one category to another or whatever, but you are setting the budget and telling her what it is, in a nice way.
Pretty much most marriages. Not happy, not really unhappy, but you basically are just in that routine and counting down the days.
I am guessing, if not for the kid, that businesses partnership would be over.
You base this on nothing but how you feel. When I think of people in my life in a controlled way (family, weddings ive been in or people who were in my wedding) I would say 75% or more of them are in a happy marriage. Doesnt mean there arent fights or rough patches but welcome to any relationship.
I would say I agree in one way, many people are going through the motions in life in everything. Marriage is not the culprit, the individual is the culprit. Average effort equals average results. Love is a difficult choice to make. Its a rewarding choice, but takes effort.
Well put.
As I told my son with sports. "You get out what you put in.".
As you stated this applies to SO much of life.
Sounds like she’s doing that? If you dont have debt.
Do as much automated retirement saving as yo can, which for you the number should be whatever is 100% allowable by law. Do as much automated emergency savings as you can. Show her retirement calculators and firecalc.com. Try to show her benefits of maxing out her retirement for her.
Once thats set up let her blow the rest with the limitation of avoiding cc debt. Or give her the choice of setting some aside for kids college or new vehicle, etc (save for new vehicle, vehicle debt is a killer!). Dont be emotional, be factual. Do not make your retirement or emergency savings an option. But then give her options on what to do with the rest.
Try to set up all auto payments like mortgage for day after payday. Tv internet etc. so its taken out right away.
I told my wife I want her to be able to retire at 55 if she wants to then showed her how with the math. She bought in. My retirement is coasting on autopilot and emergency savings is 6 months and I will not compromise that. We have moderate savings for our children's college. The rest? Spend it freely but dont buy anything with cc that couldnt be paid for in cash. (We use cc for the rewards and pay them off immediately, but not necessary).
We also use aflac for supplemental insurance. And life insurance of course. Again on autopilot.
Sleep well at night with this plan. Plan for vacations and she can buy shirts when she wants. When she does I sleep soundly knowing that my retirement, mortgage, emergency savings etc are all safe. So buy the damn dress honey and look good in it.
Can’t imagine how much it must suck with two abnormal people…
Separate accounts. Happiest couple I know. Probably because I pay for almost everything though.
That's how it was in my prior life, I made more coin amd paid for 75% of our expenses...turns out she was socking away money the whole time I didn't know about. Weird thing...when we got divorced 26 years later...she never mentioned she had that cash.
I understand seperate accounts if for no other reason that's how it started and you just get in the habit...but I still think it says a lot about the relationship, and not in a good way. Only way I'd do that now is if it all went into one pot first
..THEN each of you transfer your allowance into your owm account but even then I don't see any reason to do that but if it makes him or her happy, whatevs.
Seperate accounts scream"We are not a team" to me.
That is the point. It should not require remarkable effort to be "happy" with your spouse.
If you make 100% of the money this is nothing a good clean backhand can’t fix
[joking]
[joking]
Dude, right?
I have heard this story many times.
And if you made it 26 years, I am guessing you really wanted out well before year 26.
Show me a solid relationship that doesnt take effort on both parties. Friendship takes effort.
Thinking that its someone elses responsibility to make you happy while you do nothing is a problem many people have, men and women.
Marriages with remarkable effort are likely remarkable.
What is this effort?
Like, if you love the person, you want them to be happy, so you do things for them or to them. That takes no effort, you want to do that.
Effort is a vigorous determined attempt. If you have to be vigorous and determined to try and make someone you love "happy" that is a problem.
I'll give you a 12hr old example...my wife wanted to go to Jazz on the Green last nite and her gal pals couldn't make it. I am not a fan...further more she wanted to eat at Modern Love....vegan reataurant that loves the rainbow and thinks men can have babies amd there are more than two genders....OMG BARF!!! TERRIBLE EVENING....
....but I love her and she goes to BBQ restaurants with me all the time...she is a veggie now mind you.....
....so, as a good husband who loves his wife and wants her to be happy, what do you think we did???
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I agree with what you're saying somewhat. As you said, if you love someone, you want them to be happy so you want to do things for them. Absolutely. I'm saying many people think that love is just something that "happens" or its a one way street---I married this person, therefore I should be happy and it should be easy. I.E. many people aren't putting in effort, and when they think they are, they are really only putting in effort as a means to an end for themselves, and not the other person or the overall health of their relationship.
You do have to sacrifice for the good of the other. The problem with your second half statement is that isn't always easy. There's a lot of things we want to do that take vigorous determined attempts. Love, regardless of relationship, takes sacrifice for the good of the other. Sometimes that is difficult and takes determination. (It is NOT enabling, however....for example sometimes my sacrifice for the good of my wife involves the reaction that she will be mad at me in the short term, but we'll both benefit in the long term. People also confuse self-sacrifice with enabling bad habits or things. Think parents who let their 30 year olds mooch).
Like sports. Just because someone wants to be an all pro and wants to give the effort doesn't mean that the effort isn't vigorous and determined, and sometimes difficult.
My neighbor bailed me out by inviting us on a nite run on the river on his boat and I suggested we do that instead.....and wine, lots of wine...I'm a terrible husband. Terrible example and i'm going to hell.
That is effort?
That just sounds like going to do something you didn't really want to do.
If you dont think it takes effort for me to walk into that restaurant and listen to Jazz and act like i'm having a good time....I don't know what to tell you...I mean, if we had actually done that.
Effort is taking half a day off work and driving over an hour to tag along for school clothes shopping. And openly admitting I'm only going to try and keep spending under control.
You could probably win an Oscar for that performance!
I’m all for whatever works for you…..in reality or in perception. Experiences and environment shape our beliefs and actions. This is my 2nd marriage. Joint account in the first marriage. It ended poorly and finances were a big part of that failure. Mostly because we were a bad fit and at different stages mentally in life. Timing is a fascinating relationship component. There are so many variables with regard to why a relationship would work now vs 20 years ago or even 1-2 years ago. Same people, different time. 1 decision, 1 phrase, 1 accident, 1 interaction, etc… I’m rambling.
Old guy I know has been divorced 3 times. He is best friends with his 3rd ex wife...he said "Had I known we would get along so well now I would have divorced you years ago!" Haha
You should never let something as unimportant as money dictate your marriage.
Had a near death experience once. Went to the place you can’t explain. Only thing that mattered were my 3 boys and my wife. All that money I made never even crossed my mind. Gave me a new perspective and I’m very grateful for my experience
Had a near death experience once. Went to the place you can’t explain. Only thing that mattered were my 3 boys and my wife. All that money I made never even crossed my mind. Gave me a new perspective and I’m very grateful for my experience
It's going to be like a movie. Family thinks they are going to the mall to buy under armour. Everyone will have faces pressed against the window looking at the mall asking where are we going.
Then dad rolls by the mall on the way to wal mart. Kids are looking at high end walmart clothes and I'm gonna be slapping it out of their hands and handing them off-brand.
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