OT: Go To One-Liners

[Huskerpro]

I would like to hear everyone's go to one-liner that is as good the next time you say it as the the first time you heard it

One of my favorites:

I wouldn't piss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire.

 

[coach00036]

I use this line from Big Lebowski quite often: “You’re not wrong, Walter, you’re just an asshole.”

 

[RedMyMind]

 

[mgbreis]

My grandpa had a lot of good ones, the one I never quite understood but appreciated and still use is: "It's colder than a well digger's ass!"

 

[Chief Wiggum]

So many Seinfeld one-liners my wife and I use....

Something's missing alright
Cheapness is not a sense
I know the chunky that ate this Chunky
Strike's over
You got three pints of Kramer in ya

The list is endless...

 

[RedMyMind]

So many Seinfeld one-liners my wife and I use....

Something's missing alright
Cheapness is not a sense
I know the chunky that ate this Chunky
Strike's over
You got three pints of Kramer in ya

The list is endless...

 

[TruHusker]

I haven't had this much fun since the pigs ate my little brother.

 

[LightningJack]

Two that my dad told told me.

More problems than a one legged man in an ass kickin contest.
Don't believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.

 

[ThereIsNoPlace]

Goteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem

 

[iROOT4nu]

The robber that stole the calendar got caught. He got 12 months.

 

[Huskerz99]

Do you see the strain?

 

[jmliehr]

Shit in one hand and wish in the other, see which one fills up faster.

 

[otismotis08]

It's time to sh!t or get off the pot.

 

[Oiler402]

You open your mouth and stupid falls out.

 

[spartanhusker]

If I could buy you at at what I think you are worth and sell you at what YOU think you are worth, I’d be a rich man

 

[WC_'sker]

Colder than a witch's tit.

He got more done by accident by noon on Sunday than most people get done on purpose all week.

More nervous than a long-tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

 

[tpmcg]

I haven't had this much fun since the pigs ate my little brother.

years ago, my fifth grade teacher had family that lost a 2yr old.
they had a pig farm and they think the child wandered in with the piglets.
i was mortified.

 

[leodisflowers]

There is an old guy at one of our construction sites that has a few gems:

This is as ****ed up as Hogan's goat.
This operation is a goddamned soup sandwich
I buy all you kids books, but all you do is tear out the pages.

 

[spartanhusker]

There is an old guy at one of our construction sites that has a few gems:

This is as ****ed up as Hogan's goat.
This operation is a goddamned soup sandwich
I buy all you kids books, but all you do is tear out the pages.

I always heard the last one as "Buy them books and buy them books, but all they do is look at the pictures"
but yours works as well!

 

[cornhead1]

The problem is we probably don't know what the problem is.
You're as full of shit as a Christmas goose.
You can take that to the bank

 

[RedBaloneyPony]

I’d go down on her like a St. Bernard licking a tub of mayonnaise

straighter than a grizzlys dick

 

[cornhead1]

I spent a month there one night
She is uglier than a mud duckling
My get up and go must have got up and went
That dog will hunt
She can eat corn on the cob through a picket fence

 

[PvilleHuskerTim]

"That's what she said."

"We/They needed that badder than a hog needs slop."

 

[tpmcg]

best one liners - sgt hartman, full metal jacket.

 

[Hugo_Stiglitz7]

If I want any shit out of you, I'll squeeze your head.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.

I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of bubblegum.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

 

[cornhead1]

Dazed and Confused - I came here to drink beer and kick some ass and it looks like the beer is almost gone

 

[WHCSC]

You could ride to China on that knife

 

[TampaBaySkers]

So many Seinfeld one-liners my wife and I use....

Something's missing alright
Cheapness is not a sense
I know the chunky that ate this Chunky
Strike's over
You got three pints of Kramer in ya

The list is endless...

 

[drubendall]

From grumpier old men. You can wish in one hand and s*** in the other. See which one gets full first.

My grandpa was a wise old farmer that never went past the eighth grade but still had a very successful life. He liked to talk about politics and world events with his friends and relatives over a whiskey and water. He'd usually end with "well, I have got a PhD. You know, a post hole digger" he had a pretty low opinion of politicians and their hubris. My grandma, being equally wise and seeing the dangers of strong drink during the prohibition era, would let him have a drink or two when they were out socially, but she would not allow a bottle of any kind in the house. No beer either.

 

[Antwill]

Stolen from a conversation @ZaneHickey had with an old guy once:

"She was so skinny that when she swallowed a peanut, three guys left town."

 

[Tuco Salamanca]

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted.

If I want any lip from you, I'll jiggle my zipper

 

[BeautifulDayintheNeighborhood]

I would like to hear everyone's go to one-liner that is as good the next time you say it as the the first time you heard it

One of my favorites:

I wouldn't piss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire.

when playing call of duty with my friends, my go to is “way to go dumbass, you just lost us the game” - from the water boy

 

[Tuco Salamanca]

Stolen from a conversation @ZaneHickey had with an old guy once:

"She was so skinny that when she swallowed a peanut, three guys left town."

My favorite skinny one liner is

he is so skinny, he needs to move around in the shower to get wet

 

[nwualum]

Grew up in a very small town. We had a guy spewing gems like this........

Chances are if your parents didn't have any kids, you won't either.

 

[EastOregonHusker]

I always heard the last one as "Buy them books and buy them books, but all they do is look at the pictures"
but yours works as well!

Gnaw on the covers

 

[Oiler402]

I had sex with your wife

 

[Crazyhole]

One I say to my employees when something goes wrong:

I didn't say it was your fault, but I'm gonna blame you.

 

[TampaBaySkers]

After I fart...

“I hate when assholes talk sh!t behind my back.”

 

[Johnny Hellcat]

“I don’t know what to tell you because if I did, I would, but I don’t so I won’t.”

 

[Hugo_Stiglitz7]

One of the best from Marine Boot Camp when DI's wanted people to shut up:

"Shut your cock-holsters"!!!

From Larry the Cable Guy:

"She's an m&m away from holy shit".

The great Homer J. Simpson:

"When in doubt, blame it on the guy that can't speak English".