Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
HA!!
To keep their nuts dry.
HA!!
Joke
- Thread starter Bert Lantcaster
- Start date
Your momma so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
Your momma so fat when God said, "Let there be light", she stepped out of the way.
Your momma so fat when God said, "Let there be light", she stepped out of the way.
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Dude your so small you could hang glide with a dorito.
Dudes so short his feet dangle when sits on the curb.
Dudes so short his feet dangle when sits on the curb.
So back in the day, a kid comes home for Christmas from college and he gets a job delivering telegrams for Western Union(this joke TODAY begins with explaining WHAT a telegram is
)...so he goes out to deliver...at one house, and old woman says" oh, a singing telegram!!" and he says"no, ma'am...just a normal one" and she says" but I've never had a singing telegram, and I'd pay you $100 to sing it!!" and he says to himself"well, I DO need thew money!" so he opens it up, clears his throat, does a few warmups and begins..." DADA DADADADA , Your sister Rose is dead...."
I don't care what you say, that's comedy gold right there...
)...so he goes out to deliver...at one house, and old woman says" oh, a singing telegram!!" and he says"no, ma'am...just a normal one" and she says" but I've never had a singing telegram, and I'd pay you $100 to sing it!!" and he says to himself"well, I DO need thew money!" so he opens it up, clears his throat, does a few warmups and begins..." DADA DADADADA , Your sister Rose is dead...."I don't care what you say, that's comedy gold right there...
Santa been getting a little fat and decided to skip the milk and cookies to slim down.
So off Santa goes. He gets to the first house and because he’s still pretty fat, struggles to get down the chimney. When he does he sees little Timmy, who says “Hey Santa, here’s your milk and cookies”. Santa replies
“Ho Ho Ho, gotta go gotta go, gotta deliver presents all over the globe”
Santa’s now half way through the evening and slowly starting to slim down, but it still isn’t easy to get down the chimney. Once he does he sees little Joey, who says “Hey Santa, here’s your milk and cookies”. Santa replies
“Ho Ho Ho, gotta go gotta go, gotta deliver presents all over the globe”
As the night goes on Santa becomes all slim and fit, so he slides right down the next chimney no problem. He then looks up and sees a super hot 20 something with her legs spread. She says “Hey Santa, here’s your milk and cookies”. Santa replies
“Hey Hey Hey, gotta stay gotta stay, can’t get up the chimney with my D*** this way”!
So off Santa goes. He gets to the first house and because he’s still pretty fat, struggles to get down the chimney. When he does he sees little Timmy, who says “Hey Santa, here’s your milk and cookies”. Santa replies
“Ho Ho Ho, gotta go gotta go, gotta deliver presents all over the globe”
Santa’s now half way through the evening and slowly starting to slim down, but it still isn’t easy to get down the chimney. Once he does he sees little Joey, who says “Hey Santa, here’s your milk and cookies”. Santa replies
“Ho Ho Ho, gotta go gotta go, gotta deliver presents all over the globe”
As the night goes on Santa becomes all slim and fit, so he slides right down the next chimney no problem. He then looks up and sees a super hot 20 something with her legs spread. She says “Hey Santa, here’s your milk and cookies”. Santa replies
“Hey Hey Hey, gotta stay gotta stay, can’t get up the chimney with my D*** this way”!
The doctor comes in the room and tells the patient, “I’ve got some bad news. You have Alzheimer’s and you also have cancer”
the patient says, “ well, at least I don’t have cancer”
the patient says, “ well, at least I don’t have cancer”
What kind of bees produce milk instead of honey?
Boo-bees.
Boo-bees.
What's the difference between pink and purple.......her grip!
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
A man was sitting at home and heard his doorbell. He opened the door and there was a 6' tall cockroach standing there. The cockroach punched him in the stomach and ran away. The next day the man heard his doorbell ring. The same cockroach was there. The cockroach punched him in the stomach and ran away.
The man went to his doctor and said "Doc, I think I'm going crazy. The last two days I've opened the door, and a 6 foot tall cockroach punched me in the gut. The doctor responded, "Yeah, there's a bad bug going around".
The man went to his doctor and said "Doc, I think I'm going crazy. The last two days I've opened the door, and a 6 foot tall cockroach punched me in the gut. The doctor responded, "Yeah, there's a bad bug going around".
A man and women had been married for several years and were out Christmas shopping. They became separated at the shopping center so the wife called the husband to find out where he was.
"Where are you at" she asked. He replied, " well, you remember that jewelery store we were in several years ago and I wanted to buy you that gold necklace but we didn't have any money then?" She said, "oh yes I remember as a tear begins to run down her cheek."
"Well," he said, "I am in the gun store right next door to that jewelry store."
"Where are you at" she asked. He replied, " well, you remember that jewelery store we were in several years ago and I wanted to buy you that gold necklace but we didn't have any money then?" She said, "oh yes I remember as a tear begins to run down her cheek."
"Well," he said, "I am in the gun store right next door to that jewelry store."
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A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
*I know that one is overused, but I still like it.*
*I know that one is overused, but I still like it.*
For the record, I was raised Catholic:
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.
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