OT: Regret getting married?
- Thread starter NikkiSixx
- Start date
24 years for me. Some great times and some challenging times. Marriage is a commitment. Getting married is easy. Staying married...now that can be a challenge. We said for better or worse and I made my vow to God as much as I did my wife. My best advise is to make sure you have the same faith and values.
I think you are saying it is a process. Hopefully you are doing your part by executing and moving around well.
Here is what I told my kids, one of whom is now married.
Women marry men hoping they will change them.
Men marry women hoping they won't change.
Neither of those two will happen.
Been married 28 years and still going. Never had a divorce in our family. Parents made it 56 years before Dad passed away 2 years ago. Sister married 31 years and brother 29 years. 4 of the 7 kids, nieces and nephews are married and still no divorce. That has to be some kind of record.
Women marry men hoping they will change them.
Men marry women hoping they won't change.
Neither of those two will happen.
Been married 28 years and still going. Never had a divorce in our family. Parents made it 56 years before Dad passed away 2 years ago. Sister married 31 years and brother 29 years. 4 of the 7 kids, nieces and nephews are married and still no divorce. That has to be some kind of record.
Just got married. Here's the problem I've seen with friends and others whose marriages have gone badly: IT'S A CEREMONY, NOT A MAGIC TRANSFORMATION.
If your relationship was rocky and you spent every day just hoping to catch a run of a couple good weeks before, guess what? It's gonna be just like that after the wedding. They are the same person they were. They probably won't change.
If your relationship was rocky and you spent every day just hoping to catch a run of a couple good weeks before, guess what? It's gonna be just like that after the wedding. They are the same person they were. They probably won't change.
It just amazes me that people honestly think that a marriage and/or having kids will solve any relationship problems they're having. It does the opposite.
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I wonder how many people, girlz and dudes, pretend to be somebody their not in order to land a significant other? For example, if you smoke pot, and have no plans to stop, try it in front of her, if you drink to much on game day's, do it in front of her. If you like wrenching on your 67 Mustang all weekend, most weekend's, have her over for the weekend and do that all weekend. In short, really be yourself, then if the two of you still love each other and want to get married, my guess is you have a higher chance of succeeding.
For me, I have THE worst memory ever, and gave her ample warning before we tied the knot. We went ring shopping, found some we (her) liked and we (her) agreed on them. I didn't buy them right there, don't remember why, just didn't (probably money because we were young and broke). I went back a few days later and bought some rings, gave them to her for a Christmas present. Turns out all it took me was 2 days to forget which one's we agreed on. She opened them up on Christmas morning and I knew instantly I had goofed. I also lose a lot of stuff, we were (and still are) always looking for my wallet & keys before we left for somewhere, it's our "thing", we have fun with it. So, when it was my turn to watch all 3 kids for the first time while she had an evening out to herself, and I made it EXACTLY 30 minutes before I lost one and had to call 911 and have the Sherriff over, she wasn't shocked. In short, I was myself the whole time before we got hitched and 25 years later, we're still good.
For me, I have THE worst memory ever, and gave her ample warning before we tied the knot. We went ring shopping, found some we (her) liked and we (her) agreed on them. I didn't buy them right there, don't remember why, just didn't (probably money because we were young and broke). I went back a few days later and bought some rings, gave them to her for a Christmas present. Turns out all it took me was 2 days to forget which one's we agreed on. She opened them up on Christmas morning and I knew instantly I had goofed. I also lose a lot of stuff, we were (and still are) always looking for my wallet & keys before we left for somewhere, it's our "thing", we have fun with it. So, when it was my turn to watch all 3 kids for the first time while she had an evening out to herself, and I made it EXACTLY 30 minutes before I lost one and had to call 911 and have the Sherriff over, she wasn't shocked. In short, I was myself the whole time before we got hitched and 25 years later, we're still good.
No, I am serious St. Anger. Someone has to be the one to establish direction and make the tie breaking decisions or else there will be more disharmony than there needs to be.
I go by the Bible's statement that the husband is the head of the wife. There is too much to unpack in that statement but it basically means that he is responsible for the all-around welfare and protection of his wife. If someone has to give up a "right" or preference, that may have to be the husband if he is more interested in doing anything for the sake of his marriage than he is doing his own thing. He will be the one to make the necessary sacrifices whether it be doing what she wants to do or something on a grander scale.
For instance, when I married my wife she wanted to try to have a baby before I returned to America. I told her quite a few times the reasons for avoiding that, but knowing how she feels about having children I gave in (nothing happened), BUT I was willing for it to happen for the sake of her happiness. I could force her to do it my way even if it made a lot of sense, all the while knowing she would respect me more if she knew I put her above myself and tried to have a baby.
To be brief, the husband as CEO concept is that he will do absolutely anything necessary to ensure the happiness, fulfillment, nurture and protection of his wife. He feels that if something isn't right, he better be looking to find a solution that does not anger or alienate his wife. That's where humility and communication is important. He finds what his wife's needs are and meets them. If she knows she is the most important thing in his life, she will be less likely to struggle with his decisions, knowing that every thing he does is for her and their benefit.
My wife was looking for someone to take the reigns of the relationship and we discussed this often early on because I believe this is the recipe for harmony. The wife must not think that she is inferior or even an equal in my opinion. She needs to believe that she is more important to her husband than she is. Obviously, this is not something that happens overnight. I probably could have saved time by saying that being the CEO of the marriage comes down to servant-leadership. He believes that ultimately the course, quality and nature of the relationship is up to him so he will do whatever it takes including dying if necessary. More often than not however, the dying is "little deaths" or sacrifices for her to which she ultimately will do whatever it is that is most important to him because she sees all that he does to make his marriage the prominent thing in his life.
Despite the rotten feminist movement, women are still responders to strong leadership. Sacrifices now pay off later as she learns to fully trust him. Before anyone gets the idea I excel at this without fail that isn't true, but all that I have said I tell my wife often that this his how I want it to be, the burden is on me to do whatever it takes for our success. Naturally that means learning to say I'm sorry and admitting when she is right that my behavior is unpleasing to her.
I don't intend to offend anyone with all this, it's just that it is too easy to blame the wife for issues but I do recognize that some issues are way more challenging than others, which is why it is best to try to determine that before getting married, which is why I am amazed I proposed to her after only knowing her 18 days, then flew 9,700 miles to marry her. I'd like to think I was very focused and met someone who was buying what I was selling so to speak. Russian Roulette? We have to have a plan to follow and I basically have given a short version of it.
I also don't have any regrets, in fact that was my motto in the whole pursuit. If something doesn't make her life better, I have little desire to do it. That pays off but like anything, involves sacrifice. Some of you know what I mean.
Sorry for the rant but I felt your comment was honest so I wanted to give you a good reply for better or worse, no pun intended (knot, I mean not). I better go now.
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anybody on here saying they never had any regrets EVER are either lying OR they were very lucky. I was/am VERY lucky in my choice of a spouse but I can't say there were never regrets. I married a special person that can nag and be tough to live with at times because she pushes me, but I know I'm much better person and have a much better life than I would have had without her. Many many couples give up on their marriage way too easily but its also true that sometimes you just get to a point that you have to start over.
So to summarize, you pretty much do whatever she wants, which makes her happy.
I'm too lazy to review the whole thread, but I don't recall anyone saying he didn't have regrets ever. The question was "Regret getting married?" My answer was I don't regret it, which is true.
Yes, if I think it is good for her and therefore for us. If I think it is not good for her then I will not allow it. What makes her happy might not be good for her. I probably gave you the wrong impression. Satisfied or fulfilled is what I had in mind. For example, she wants me to live with her in the Philippines after I retired, to which I have always said no way, it is too hot and other things. But after thinking about what is best for her compared to what is easiest and more comfortable for me, I have decided to truly consider moving there with her one of these years. Overall she is would be more happy (fulfilled, satisfied) in that situation. There are more pros for her if I move there after retiring, than there are for me and us by staying here. One of the issues is children if we have them because there is more of a future for them here I would think.
If it is something I can justify as being in her best interest (makes her happy and satisfied) then I would want to have a very good reason why not to do it for her.
I need to factor in that I believe she would do anything for me and will be with me for life so I don't have much difficulty putting her up on a pedestal.
To put it another way, I think the more I go out of my way to please her, the more she will gravitate towards meeting my needs, but it works best if I take the lead and show great interest in her needs.
There are has been only one area I just had to disappoint her in but she understood why and then said "okay, your decision is my decision." She also has more than a few people she feels accountable to which helps because you know what, they will tell her to not argue with me and let me lead her, so that makes this somewhat easier, but not always easy.
Yes, if I think it is good for her and therefore for us. If I think it is not good for her then I will not allow it. What makes her happy might not be good for her. I probably gave you the wrong impression. Satisfied or fulfilled is what I had in mind. For example, she wants me to live with her in the Philippines after I retired, to which I have always said no way, it is too hot and other things. But after thinking about what is best for her compared to what is easiest and more comfortable for me, I have decided to truly consider moving there with her one of these years. Overall she is would be more happy (fulfilled, satisfied) in that situation. There are more pros for her if I move there after retiring, than there are for me and us by staying here. One of the issues is children if we have them because there is more of a future for them here I would think.
If it is something I can justify as being in her best interest (makes her happy and satisfied) then I would want to have a very good reason why not to do it for her.
I need to factor in that I believe she would do anything for me and will be with me for life so I don't have much difficulty putting her up on a pedestal.
To put it another way, I think the more I go out of my way to please her, the more she will gravitate towards meeting my needs, but it works best if I take the lead and show great interest in her needs.
There are has been only one area I just had to disappoint her in but she understood why and then said "okay, your decision is my decision." She also has more than a few people she feels accountable to which helps because you know what, they will tell her to not argue with me and let me lead her, so that makes this somewhat easier, but not always easy.
Obviously, you don't have to answer these questions, but I am interested. How long did you know each other before you were married; what is the difference in age between the two of you; is she originally from the Philippines; and is most of her extended family there?
No regrets and not lucky. Just met my girlfriend/best friend in my final year at college and things progressed. It sucks for people that have shitty relationships, good luck to you all.
We were married on day 54, engaged on day 18. I didn't see any reason to wait since she was what I was looking for. Would have been quicker but for passport, vaccinations, 10 day waiting period by law. It was time.
I am 53 she is 26. Since we got married and bypassed the dating stage, we are doing that now with the long visa wait. There has to be a commitment sooner or later so we made it sooner. There is much truth to the statement that you really don't know someone until you live with them so now we are involved with that but with a commitment already in hand. Of course that involves some major trust both ways.
She has always lived in the Philippines and almost all her relatives are there and she has a zillion of them. My mom loves skyping with her and I have spoken to some of her family but their English isn't too good. Imagine in America asking a man your own age if you could marry his daughter and hearing "no problem". That still cracks me up. We are working on a plan to help her family as it is only fair I replace what she was providing to them and more. This is a win-win for both of us. Filipinas are smart. They want love but have a fierce loyalty to their families. There are no nursing homes there as far as I know. They have a lot to offer a man and are in a position to do that by marrying a foreigner. If you can avoid getting scammed, there are a lot of angels over there.
I do what I can c2o. I will crack you up some more in my next reply. A lot of what I am saying is out of the norm, but hardly inappropriate. There is a lot of risk in life, we just have to know what we want and what we are willing to risk to get it. There is a reason many men in America look elsewhere (other country) for a wife. Trying to find a good one is risky business, but worth doing whatever you need to in order to find one.
That should tide you over until the game tonight. Let me know if I can crack you up some more ; ') I crack up myself sometimes.
I agree about being yourself. I don't like to goof around so I want them to know right away what I am like, what I believe, what drives me, etc...I think this separates the contenders from the pretenders early on. It isn't fair to the woman to try to deceive her, she will find out the truth eventually and feel betrayed.
My reaction when people tell me I should get married and have kids to enjoy more out of life:
Ditto for me for the last 32 years, also one of the lucky ones. I liked your quote about fixing things.
I sure hope your wife doesn't log into Husker Online and find this thread.
That is brutely honest but cuts deep.
