Yeah, I know..."Dear Facebook" etc etc. It's a long read, hopefully some will find it worth the time. No worries if not.
TLDR; being an old parent really makes your appreciate every moment.
===================================
As an older parent, one who has 3 kids in college, 2 HS kids, a soon to be middle schooler and now a freshly minted 1 year old baby girl…this expression takes on new meaning
Tonight, about 1:30am my 1 year old woke up and I held her in my arms, fed her a bottle of milk as she fell back to sleep.
It is likely the last time I ever will do that with any of my kids. I stopped and cherished every moment of it like only an older parent with adult kids can. I held her a bit longer than I normally would. I watched her much more intently as she drifted off and sat with her while she slept.
Tomorrow we start breaking her habit of needing her bottle at night (on the advice of a pediatrician, but it’s good advice), so this is probably my chance. Sure they’ll be other times to cuddle, she’s only 1...but there’s something special about the middle of the night feeding. No distractions. No TV. No other kids running around. No one else to talk to. Just my little girl and her Dad in a dark room, rocking in the chair as she drifts off.
When you get a bit older and you look back on your life, especially your time with your kids, there’s so many “lasts” and most of the time you didn’t even realize it. There’s just no way you can really appreciate it when you’re in your 20s (I can hear the 65 year old version of me laughing at me now for the same reason lol).
All my kids…last time I would see their first steps…hear their first words…listen to their toddler ramblings when they could speak but say the weirdest stuff..last time dropping them off at school or picking them up…last time cuddling on the couch watching a movie…last time you attend a baseball / lacrosse / soccer / etc game or watch a choir concert or watch them play in marching band.
Sometimes I think about what I would give to do it again.
We definitely got some comments from friends and family when we told people we were trying again and when we were finally pregnant…we were in our 40s after all so I get it. A very large number of our friends are starting to plan for empty nesting and traveling and retiring and so yeah, a baby probably sounded crazy.
I was that person when I first turned 40. No joke, I was counting the years I had left, thinking about all we would do, the places we would see, retiring near an ocean.
God had other plans.
One summer night I had the craziest dream. I dreamt that I was coming back from the bathroom in the middle of the night (yeah I’m old) and my wife was lying on the bed incredibly pregnant with her belly hanging over the edge of the bed. I was overcome with joy. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I woke up shortly after and thought, “That was weird”.
The next day it was all I could think about. Days went by and still it was fresh on my mind. My wife and I had talked many times and decided we were done, no question (we had 6 between us). But I couldn’t hold it in, so one night I sat her down.
Me: “Babe, I know we said we didn’t want to have any more kids and I’m not telling you this for any reason other than I can’t get it out of my mind.”
I went on to describe in detail what I had dreamt and how it felt…when I was done, she said she had something to tell me too.
See, she had a dream a few nights before also that we were in our living room with the fireplace going and our little baby was crawling all around us. She couldn’t shake that dream either.
(Note to the reader: my wife claims that said it first, but I’m positive I did lol)
Well we both decided to pray about it. We sought some wise counsel and we realized God had really put it on our hearts to have another baby.
There was a problem though (sorry if this is TMI)…I had a vasectomy about 4 or 5 years earlier. Oddly, for whatever reason though I never went back to the doctor to have it tested. Well, we prayed together and asked God, “If this is your will, remove this obstacle”. It isn’t exactly cheap or any guarantee to have it reversed after all.
So I went to my urologist and had a test done and it turns out…my vasectomy didn’t work. My doctor explained that it fails or grows back in roughly 1 in every 1,000 - 2,000 he does and he apologized and said, “We’ll get you in right away and get this corrected”. I explained to him why I came in to have it tested and he said, “Well, you’re good to go then!”
OK God. We’re listening.
Through some ups and downs of infertility fights over the next 2ish years, my wife finally broke the news. We’re going to have a baby, in fact it was going to be twins.
Unfortunately, right before we left to go on vacation to stay with some friends in Colorado…we found out we lost one. On the same day we were supposed to find out the genders in a small reveal party with our kids. Both girls. We named our baby that passed Ava. I still tear up thinking about it today and what she could have been.
The grief hit the whole family pretty hard for a while. But eventually as the pregnancy went on and we approached the holidays, we were back to being excited about welcoming a little girl into our lives.
On 12/31/23 at 4:57am we welcomed baby Isla Mae into our lives. She was incredible (and so was my wife).
This year has BLOWN by already, but seeing as I know this is my last and knowing what it’s like to send an adult kid off into the world, I’m hitting the pause button every chance I get.
Forgive me for feeling a bit sentimental tonight. I know people generally dread waking up in the middle of the night with a baby (and I certainly have too), but tonight I didn’t. Tonight I soaked it up.
Hopefully I’ll soak up tomorrow too.
To top it all off, throughout all this I also realized that there’s nothing in God’s plan that says I’m supposed to just relax by a beach in my old age drinking the day away. I’m sure I’ll sit on a beach again, but I honestly no longer have that desire for my retirement at all.
I’ve had a lifelong dream of becoming a pastor (that I had all but given up on) and for the last 18 months I’ve been taking seminary classes. I’ve preached, I’ve taught, I’ve volunteered wherever I can. I’m hoping at some point to be a bi-vocational part time pastor. I’ve realized that my “retirement” will just be shifting into a new full-time career of serving my King. Spreading his love wherever I can to anyone who has ears to hear.
Just a few short years, my life has completely changed and I wouldn’t go back for anything. I couldn't.
God is so good. I can’t wait to see what he has next.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own insight.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
TLDR; being an old parent really makes your appreciate every moment.
===================================
As an older parent, one who has 3 kids in college, 2 HS kids, a soon to be middle schooler and now a freshly minted 1 year old baby girl…this expression takes on new meaning
Tonight, about 1:30am my 1 year old woke up and I held her in my arms, fed her a bottle of milk as she fell back to sleep.
It is likely the last time I ever will do that with any of my kids. I stopped and cherished every moment of it like only an older parent with adult kids can. I held her a bit longer than I normally would. I watched her much more intently as she drifted off and sat with her while she slept.
Tomorrow we start breaking her habit of needing her bottle at night (on the advice of a pediatrician, but it’s good advice), so this is probably my chance. Sure they’ll be other times to cuddle, she’s only 1...but there’s something special about the middle of the night feeding. No distractions. No TV. No other kids running around. No one else to talk to. Just my little girl and her Dad in a dark room, rocking in the chair as she drifts off.
When you get a bit older and you look back on your life, especially your time with your kids, there’s so many “lasts” and most of the time you didn’t even realize it. There’s just no way you can really appreciate it when you’re in your 20s (I can hear the 65 year old version of me laughing at me now for the same reason lol).
All my kids…last time I would see their first steps…hear their first words…listen to their toddler ramblings when they could speak but say the weirdest stuff..last time dropping them off at school or picking them up…last time cuddling on the couch watching a movie…last time you attend a baseball / lacrosse / soccer / etc game or watch a choir concert or watch them play in marching band.
Sometimes I think about what I would give to do it again.
We definitely got some comments from friends and family when we told people we were trying again and when we were finally pregnant…we were in our 40s after all so I get it. A very large number of our friends are starting to plan for empty nesting and traveling and retiring and so yeah, a baby probably sounded crazy.
I was that person when I first turned 40. No joke, I was counting the years I had left, thinking about all we would do, the places we would see, retiring near an ocean.
God had other plans.
One summer night I had the craziest dream. I dreamt that I was coming back from the bathroom in the middle of the night (yeah I’m old) and my wife was lying on the bed incredibly pregnant with her belly hanging over the edge of the bed. I was overcome with joy. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I woke up shortly after and thought, “That was weird”.
The next day it was all I could think about. Days went by and still it was fresh on my mind. My wife and I had talked many times and decided we were done, no question (we had 6 between us). But I couldn’t hold it in, so one night I sat her down.
Me: “Babe, I know we said we didn’t want to have any more kids and I’m not telling you this for any reason other than I can’t get it out of my mind.”
I went on to describe in detail what I had dreamt and how it felt…when I was done, she said she had something to tell me too.
See, she had a dream a few nights before also that we were in our living room with the fireplace going and our little baby was crawling all around us. She couldn’t shake that dream either.
(Note to the reader: my wife claims that said it first, but I’m positive I did lol)
Well we both decided to pray about it. We sought some wise counsel and we realized God had really put it on our hearts to have another baby.
There was a problem though (sorry if this is TMI)…I had a vasectomy about 4 or 5 years earlier. Oddly, for whatever reason though I never went back to the doctor to have it tested. Well, we prayed together and asked God, “If this is your will, remove this obstacle”. It isn’t exactly cheap or any guarantee to have it reversed after all.
So I went to my urologist and had a test done and it turns out…my vasectomy didn’t work. My doctor explained that it fails or grows back in roughly 1 in every 1,000 - 2,000 he does and he apologized and said, “We’ll get you in right away and get this corrected”. I explained to him why I came in to have it tested and he said, “Well, you’re good to go then!”
OK God. We’re listening.
Through some ups and downs of infertility fights over the next 2ish years, my wife finally broke the news. We’re going to have a baby, in fact it was going to be twins.
Unfortunately, right before we left to go on vacation to stay with some friends in Colorado…we found out we lost one. On the same day we were supposed to find out the genders in a small reveal party with our kids. Both girls. We named our baby that passed Ava. I still tear up thinking about it today and what she could have been.
The grief hit the whole family pretty hard for a while. But eventually as the pregnancy went on and we approached the holidays, we were back to being excited about welcoming a little girl into our lives.
On 12/31/23 at 4:57am we welcomed baby Isla Mae into our lives. She was incredible (and so was my wife).
This year has BLOWN by already, but seeing as I know this is my last and knowing what it’s like to send an adult kid off into the world, I’m hitting the pause button every chance I get.
Forgive me for feeling a bit sentimental tonight. I know people generally dread waking up in the middle of the night with a baby (and I certainly have too), but tonight I didn’t. Tonight I soaked it up.
Hopefully I’ll soak up tomorrow too.
To top it all off, throughout all this I also realized that there’s nothing in God’s plan that says I’m supposed to just relax by a beach in my old age drinking the day away. I’m sure I’ll sit on a beach again, but I honestly no longer have that desire for my retirement at all.
I’ve had a lifelong dream of becoming a pastor (that I had all but given up on) and for the last 18 months I’ve been taking seminary classes. I’ve preached, I’ve taught, I’ve volunteered wherever I can. I’m hoping at some point to be a bi-vocational part time pastor. I’ve realized that my “retirement” will just be shifting into a new full-time career of serving my King. Spreading his love wherever I can to anyone who has ears to hear.
Just a few short years, my life has completely changed and I wouldn’t go back for anything. I couldn't.
God is so good. I can’t wait to see what he has next.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own insight.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
