Did any of you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?

[Hoosker Du]

There was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!

"Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"

 

[bomber89]

why don't fish sing?

Because you can't TUNA fish!

man I love that joke

 

[CPHuskers1]

There are three mice sitting at a bar talking about how much of a mouse they are. The first mouse takes a shot, slams it down and says I am such a mouse I can eat a whole box of mouse poison and still live. The other two mice are pretty impressed.

The second mouse takes two shots, slams the shot glasses down and says I am such a mouse I can steal cheese from a mouse trap, catch it and start bench pressing it. The other two mice are like wow.

So the third mouse takes three shots slams down the shot glasses and starts getting up to leave the bar. The other two mice ask, where are you going?

I'm going home to f--- the cat.

 

[Hoosker Du]

why don't fish sing?

Because you can't TUNA fish!

man I love that joke

But "You can tune a piano."

 

[GRHusker]

The dad joke game is strong in this thread, love it...

A doe walks out of the woods, shakes herself off and says, "Well. I'll never do THAT for two bucks again.".

 

[The_Glove_Man]

 

[big red22]

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What do you want?" Baby seal says, "Anything except a Canadian Club."

Mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind around here!" the mushroom says "Why not? I'm a Fungi!"

 

[Wing-Back]

A man is talking to a therapist about a dream he had. The man says "I dreamt I was a giant, but everything around me looked normal, it was to my scale". The therapist is confused and asks "How did you know you were a giant?". The man says, "Because I was wearing size a billion pants".

 

[Jeremara]

Cop turns on his lights and attempts a traffic stop, but the driver doesn't pull over. Finally, after about 20 minutes the man eases over to the side of the road.

Cop walks up and asks, "Did you not see me with my lights on, why didn't you pull over?"

Man says, "My ex-wife ran off with a cop. I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

 

[huskerfan66]

There was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!

"Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"

Bill engval

 

[big red22]

Cop turns on his lights and attempts a traffic stop, but the driver doesn't pull over. Finally, after about 20 minutes the man eases over to the side of the road.

Cop walks up and asks, "Did you not see me with my lights on, why didn't you pull over?"

Man says, "My ex-wife ran off with a cop. I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

Guy gets pulled over for speeding and the police officer says "Sir..." The guy driving the car says, "Let me stop you right there officer! I have 20 ounces of Cocaine in the glove compartment, a bloody knife under my seat and a dead body in the trunk!"

The cop pulls out his gun and aims it at the driver and says, "Don't Move! Get you hands where I can see them!" Gets on his speaker and calls for backup. The back up arrives and and the chief of police tells the officer to step down. He then says to the driver, "Sir please step out of your vehicle!" Then proceeds to search his car.

Opens the glove compartment and he sees no cocaine? Checks under the seat and sees no Bloody knife? He pops open the trunk and sees no dead body?

He looks at the Driver and says, "This officer said that you had cocaine in your glove compartment, a bloody knife under the seat and a dead body in the trunk of your vehicle sir! I'm not seeing any of those things?" The driver says, "I bet that lying son of a bitch said I was speeding too!"

 

[litespeedhuskerfan]

 

[Cloud@Heart]

What was the cow born with no legs called?

Ground beef.

I was going to stay away from the missing arms and legs jokes...... but since you brought it up!

What is the name of:

A man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
A man with no arms and no legs in front of the door?
A man with no arms and no legs being pulled behind a boat?
A man with no arms and no legs in a deep hole?
A woman with no arms and no legs on a fence?
A woman with one arm and one leg?

And my all time favorite.......... A man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?


Art, Matt, Skip, Doug, Barb, Irene, and Russel!

 

[Hoosker Du]

Bill engval

Not sure how long Bill Engval has been doing stand-up, but my dad told me that joke probably 15-20 years ago. I wonder if it's like every other joke in the world...handed down from generation to generation. ☺

Edit: When my dad told me that joke, I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes.

 

[Hoosker Du]

I was going to stay away from the missing arms and legs jokes...... but since you brought it up!

What is the name of:

A man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
A man with no arms and no legs in front of the door?
A man with no arms and no legs being pulled behind a boat?
A man with no arms and no legs in a deep hole?
A woman with no arms and no legs on a fence?
A woman with one arm and one leg?

And my all time favorite.......... A man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?


Art, Matt, Skip, Doug, Barb, Irene, and Russel!

Always loved the "Russell" joke.

How about a guy with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob

 

[Hoosker Du]

Mark Gross told me this joke one night at Duffy's, and I roared with laughter for a good 5 minutes...


A guy wakes up one morning hearing a voice inside his head. The voice says, "Quit your job... sell your house... take all your money and go to Las Vegas." He shrugs it off, but later that day he hears the voice again: "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!"

He keeps trying to ignore it, but the more he tries the more he hears it. Pretty soon he's hearing it constantly - "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!!"

Finally he can't stand it anymore. He decides to believe the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, puts all his money in a suitcase and flies to Las Vegas.

The moment he steps off the plane the voice says, "Go directly to Caesar's Palace!" Quickening his pace, he takes a cab to Caesar's Palace. Right when he arrives in front of Caesar's, the voice says, "Go to the roulette wheel!" He jumps out of the car, sprints inside and makes his way to the roulette wheel!! The voice screams, "Bet it all on Red 23!!" Bet it all on Red 23!!! Completely out of breath, he opens his suitcase, and puts every cent he has on Red 23!! The wheel spins around and comes up Black 11. The voice bellows "CRAP!!!"

 

[walnut creek]

This thread is so damn riveting.

 

[The_Glove_Man]

P.S. Cloud.

A woman with one arm and one leg is named Eileen. A CHINESE woman with one arm and one leg is named Irene. You gotta tell it right, you racist.

 

[walnut creek]

OK can't resist this golden oldie.

Did you hear about the poor young girl who suffered from Zachry disease? I mean this poor thing was so plain looking that she couldn't get a date to save her soul. So her friends heard about Dr. Chan who had cured just about anything and everything. They brought her to Dr. Chan and told him about her plight and asked for his help.

Chan told the girl OK I try help. Take off all clothes. Now get down all fours and crawl cross room. Hmmmmm! Now turn round come back. Ah Ha! No problem.
Friends gasp what do you mean "know problem".

You suffer from Zachry disease. What in the world is that they all ask?

Face rook Zachry rike your ass.

 

[rednwash]

Reading this thread reminded me of one of my favorites.

A woman is walking down the street and is shocked when she sees a man repeatedly hitting himself in the head with a hammer. Quite concerned for his well being she warily approaches the man. "Sir, sir please tell me why you keep hitting yourself in the head with that hammer?" He replies "Because I feel soooo much better when I stop."

 

[dragonraider1]

Reading this thread reminded me of one of my favorites.

A woman is walking down the street and is shocked when she sees a man repeatedly hitting himself in the head with a hammer. Quite concerned for his well being she warily approaches the man. "Sir, sir please tell me why you keep hitting yourself in the head with that hammer?" He replies "Because I feel soooo much better when I stop."

This one has always made me smile.

 

[dragonraider1]

Hilary Clinton, Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and a college student were on a plane that developed engine trouble. The pilot and co-pilot came into the cabin and said there are 7 of us on board and only 6 parachutes someone has to sacrifice themselves for the rest of us. They each grabbed a parachute and jumped. Everyone looked at the college student. Gates got up and said, "I invented Microsoft and am so important that I deserve to live." He grabbed a chute and jumped. Buffet said, "I am the richest man in the world and deserve to live." He grabbed a chute and jumped. Hilary stood up and said, "I am the smartest woman in the world so I deserve to live." She grabbed a chute and jumped. Trump started laughing and the college student said, "Why are you laughing? One of us must die." Trump said, " I'm sorry, but it is so funny. The smartest woman in the world just jumped out with your book bag."

 

[huskerfan66]

Not sure how long Bill Engval has been doing stand-up, but my dad told me that joke probably 15-20 years ago. I wonder if it's like every other joke in the world...handed down from generation to generation. ☺

Edit: When my dad told me that joke, I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes.

Yes. It is truly a classic. Love that joke.

 

[TruHusker]

You know what Star Trek and toilet paper have in common? They both go around Uranus looking for Klingons.

This is one you tell at your own risk in "mixed company." What do UFO's and smart _______ have in common? You always hear about them but never see one.