Did any of you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?
- Thread starter kaz36
- Start date
I hear that the evening show is completely different, but careful everybody, it gets a little blue.
This doesn't really make sense. The only way he could be REcovered is if he was covered in the first place.He's fully recovered now.
You should just stop.
A bear walks into a bar and asks for a............................................................... beer. The bartender asks, 'what's with the bigs pause?' And the bear says, 'oh, I was born with them.' (Waves hands)
This was is better in person instead of being read.
This was is better in person instead of being read.
A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he wants. The duck says "I'll have some bread".
Stop me if you've heard this one...
Stop me if you've heard this one...
Did you hear about the guy who lost the whole left side of his body in a terrible factory accident?
He's all right now.
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the mom who called the cops on her son because he wouldn't take a nap?
He was resisting a rest.
He was resisting a rest.
Chicke and egg were laying in bed. The chicken turns to the egg and says "guess we know the answer to that one".
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What do you want?" Baby seal says, "Anything except a Canadian Club."
Baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What do you want?" Baby seal says, "Anything except a Canadian Club."
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a buck and a half and deer nuts are under a buck.
A piece of rope went into the bar, and the bartender told him to get out.
No ropes allowed!
The rope went outside, cut himself in half, and tied himself together and went back to the bar.
The bartender said: "ain't you that piece of rope that was just in here"?
The rope said: no , I'm a frayed knot!
No ropes allowed!
The rope went outside, cut himself in half, and tied himself together and went back to the bar.
The bartender said: "ain't you that piece of rope that was just in here"?
The rope said: no , I'm a frayed knot!
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any damn bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any damn bread, ask me again and I'll nail your damn beak to the bar you irritating damn bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Why did the Roman Colosseum go broke?
Lions ate up all the prophets.
Lions ate up all the prophets.
Lady goes to the doctor with neck and shoulder pain.
Doc says you have wigwam-teepee disease.
She asks what is that.
Doc says you're too tense.
Doc says you have wigwam-teepee disease.
She asks what is that.
Doc says you're too tense.
I request we lock this up before we give anymore credence to the old joke "The N on the side of the helmet stands for nowledge"
A hydrogen atom turns to his friend and says, "Oh darn, I've lost my electron."
His friend asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
His friend asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
I got bored the other day, and tied all of my watches into a belt. It was a waist of time.
I sent ten of these jokes to a friend of mine, hoping at least one of them would cheer him up.
But no pun in ten did.
But no pun in ten did.
On my first date with my soon to be wife, I told her a bunch of Helen Keller jokes(this was in the 70s...who KNEW they were not correct!????)...she laughed at all, and THEN she said...."I'm related to Helen Keller"...to which I said "NO ONE is related to Helen Keller!"...she says..."hmmm..ok"
Three weeks later I go to meet her family for the first time, and RIGHT when I had a mouthful of roast beef, her mom says " and, yes, we ARE related to Helen Keller..."
My skin went cold...but we got married anyway!
Three weeks later I go to meet her family for the first time, and RIGHT when I had a mouthful of roast beef, her mom says " and, yes, we ARE related to Helen Keller..."
My skin went cold...but we got married anyway!
Different style, but these crack me up. They're bad kid jokes, where children attempt to tell a joke and it just makes no sense at all:
http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/
http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/
Did you hear the one about the guy who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle out of himself.
A guy walks into a bar and behind the counter he sees a sign that says;
Cheese Sandwich: $5
Hand Job: $10
The guy says, "Excuse me miss but are you the lady who gives the hand jobs?"
The lady says, "Why yes I am."
The guy says, "Wash those hands and go fix me a cheese sandwich."
Cheese Sandwich: $5
Hand Job: $10
The guy says, "Excuse me miss but are you the lady who gives the hand jobs?"
The lady says, "Why yes I am."
The guy says, "Wash those hands and go fix me a cheese sandwich."
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A guy gets a job at Western Union delivering telegrams...after about a month, he stops at a house, rings the doorbell, and says "Telegram for Mrs. Jones"
The little old lady says to him "OH!!!I've never had a singing telegram!!!"
He says, sorry...just handing it off....
She says, "If I pay you $100, will you sing it?"
He thinks to himself...Well, I DO need the money....so he says "ok"...
She gets him the money, he warms up with a few notes and launches in....
"Da da da dot dot dot, Your sister Rose is Dead!"....
The REAL joke is half of you won't know what a telegram is.....
The little old lady says to him "OH!!!I've never had a singing telegram!!!"
He says, sorry...just handing it off....
She says, "If I pay you $100, will you sing it?"
He thinks to himself...Well, I DO need the money....so he says "ok"...
She gets him the money, he warms up with a few notes and launches in....
"Da da da dot dot dot, Your sister Rose is Dead!"....
The REAL joke is half of you won't know what a telegram is.....
A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor asks his patient what is wrong? The guy says, "Ohh gee doc, my head and neck hurts, my eyes are swollen, my bones ache, my skin itches, my throat burns!"
Doc pauces the man and checks his tongue with the wooden stick, listens to his heart, checks his throats and ears, finally the Doc stand up and takes off his gloves.
Doc turns to the man and says, " Well I want you to go home and take a mud bath."
Patient replies, "Ohh Doc you think that will help?, What does the mud do?"
Doctor replies, " Nothing, I want you to get used to the dirt."
Doc pauces the man and checks his tongue with the wooden stick, listens to his heart, checks his throats and ears, finally the Doc stand up and takes off his gloves.
Doc turns to the man and says, " Well I want you to go home and take a mud bath."
Patient replies, "Ohh Doc you think that will help?, What does the mud do?"
Doctor replies, " Nothing, I want you to get used to the dirt."
A guy goes to a zoo, walks around and finds the only animal in the zoo is a little dog. He looks down at the dog and says "Well this is a shih tzu."
I have always heard it as:
Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth guy ducks.
When I told my wife this joke over 10 years ago she just rolled her eyes and told me to never say that joke again
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