Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

[Captain Nick]

I hope if dogs ever take over the world,
and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some
chihuahuas with some good ideas.

 

[Captain Nick]

Some people are like slinkies,
they don't really have a purpose,
but they still bring a smile to your face,
when you push them down the stairs.

 

[Captain Nick]

Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when you criticize them,
you are a mile away from them,
and you have their shoes.

 

[slwags]

Iowa sucks

 

[Charlie Marlow]

I was wondering when this thread would poop up

 

[Crazyhole]

Can't. Like. Enough.

 

[Captain Nick]

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.

 

[RaisingArizona]

my personal favorite:

My uncle used to always say that laughter is the best medicine. I wonder if that’s why he died of Tuberculosis

 

[Captain Nick]

To me clowns aren't funny. In fact they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

 

[ZaneHickey]

I hope if dogs ever take over the world,
and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some
chihuahuas with some good ideas.

The face of a child says it all. Especially, the mouth part of the face.

 

[Iroh]

Does Iowa keep an empty trophy case or do they just not have one to save the embarrassment?

 

[Crazyhole]

Racecar backwards is racecar. Racecar sideways is how Paul Walker got killed.

 

[Iroh]

Would you cut off a pinky finger if it guaranteed a Husker National Title?

 

[cubsker]

Paraphrasing

When I see a fat lady fall down, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I were an ant and that fat lady fell on me. Then it wouldn't be so funny, would it?

 

[PeliniTheCrutch]

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead took him to an old, burned-out warehouse. “Oh no, Disneyland burned down!”, I said. He cried and cried, but I think, deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

 

[Captain Nick]

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection." They'd probably feel real bad and maybe I'd get out of it.

 

[Crazyhole]

I asked a pretty, young homeless girl if I could take her home. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove off with her cardboard box.

 

[Captain Nick]

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never see it coming.