OT: how about a bit of levity?….

major.tom.foolery

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There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said: “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone had committed adultery would say they had “Fallen.”

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said: “You have to do something about the sidewalk in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the Mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said: “I don’t know what you’re laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week!”
 
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major.tom.foolery

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
 
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major.tom.foolery

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Three men and a young woman are traveling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes a spicy turn.

The young woman proposes: “If each of you gives me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.

The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen gives me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.

The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”
 

major.tom.foolery

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A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
 
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major.tom.foolery

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing…

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

RollingLaugh RollingLaugh RollingLaugh
 
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major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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Saturday morning a man gets up early, puts on his long johns, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, grabs his shotgun and the dog, slips quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeds to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. So, he pulls back into the garage, turns on the radio, and discovers that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

He, then, goes back into the house, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?”
 

major.tom.foolery

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. . . ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’
 

major.tom.foolery

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, “Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I’m really cold.”

The woman responds, “Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?”

The man replies, “That would be amazing.”

The woman smiles and says, “Okay. Get your own f*cking blanket!”
 

major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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A homeless guy asked me for money today… so I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself “Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?…Nah”

So I gave him the 20.
 

major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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A Drill Sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said: “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The cadet replied: “Not me, Sarge…no sir!

“I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line.”
 

major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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Yesterday, I bought a bottle of Whiskey and was on my way home on my motorcycle. Suddenly a thought occurred to me; What if my motorcycle crashes? What would I drink once I get home?

So I stopped right then, and gulped the entire bottle down, sitting beside the road.

I’ll tell you, that was one of my smartest moves. I crashed 4 times before I reached home yesterday.
 
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major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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Laughing Laughing Laughing

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it’s..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$750.”
Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”
 

itseasyas1-2-3

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So these 3 guys and their wives are attending an out of town convention. Company made all the arrangements so that's all taken care of.

When they get to the hotel they find the Company messed up and has only 2 rooms available, each with only 1 King size bed, and the other hotels are booked full.

The wives decide to all bunk together in one bed, and the guys figure for one night they can make it work.

They go out and party and then all turn in. About 2:00 in the morning, the guy on the outside shakes his buddy next to him and says,

"Man, I gotta go see my wife" The guy in the middle says, "why?"

The dude says, "I just woke up with the biggest erection I've had in 20 years and I wanna go surprise my wife."

So the guy in the middle says, "you want me to go with you?"

The dude say, "Hell no, why would you wanna go with me?"

The dude in the middle says, "well, because you're holding my cock."
 
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major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said.

“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
 
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major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.

“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
 

major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
 

major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
 

major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?’

‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.’
 

major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it.

“Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached. “Here, my love, enjoy!”

Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
 

major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, “Sara, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”….

Sara always replied, “I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, “Sara, I’m eighty-five years old. If I don’t ride that airplane, I might never get another chance.”

Sara replied, “Mike, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Mike and Sara agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Mike and said, “My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Mike replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Sara fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
 
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major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
 
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major.tom.foolery

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,”Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard,” says the husband,”my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
 
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major.tom.foolery

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A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The dentist replies, “A Bugatti Chiron. It cost one and a half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the dentist proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the dentist.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the dentist decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?” the dentist asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Bugatti up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Bugatti, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Bugatti all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Bugatti is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Bugatti, demolishing the rear end.

The dentist stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
 

major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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A sea cadet is being examined: “Suppose you’re at sea and a storm comes up, what would you do?”

Cadet: I’d throw out an anchor.

Examiner: And what if another storm comes up.

Cadet: I’d throw out another anchor.

Examiner: But what if an even bigger storm comes up?

Cadet: I throw out an even bigger anchor.

Examiner: But where are you getting all your anchors from?

Cadet: The same place you’re getting your storms.
 
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