There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said: “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone had committed adultery would say they had “Fallen.”
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said: “You have to do something about the sidewalk in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the Mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said: “I don’t know what you’re laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week!”
Three men and a young woman are traveling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes a spicy turn.
The young woman proposes: “If each of you gives me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.
The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen gives me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.
The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.
The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
Saturday morning a man gets up early, puts on his long johns, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, grabs his shotgun and the dog, slips quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeds to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. So, he pulls back into the garage, turns on the radio, and discovers that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
He, then, goes back into the house, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?”
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it’s..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?’
‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.’
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it.
“Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached. “Here, my love, enjoy!”
Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, “Sara, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”….
Sara always replied, “I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, “Sara, I’m eighty-five years old. If I don’t ride that airplane, I might never get another chance.”
Sara replied, “Mike, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”
Mike and Sara agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Mike and said, “My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Mike replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Sara fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,”Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard,” says the husband,”my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”