OT: how about a bit of levity?….

major.tom.foolery

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Dec 25, 2016
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There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said: “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone had committed adultery would say they had “Fallen.”

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said: “You have to do something about the sidewalk in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the Mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said: “I don’t know what you’re laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week!”
 
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major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
3,070
1,874
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
 

major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
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Three men and a young woman are traveling on a train. The four passengers get talking and the chat soon takes a spicy turn.

The young woman proposes: “If each of you gives me $1 I will show you my legs”. The men, charmed by the woman, all pull a dollar out of their wallet and she proceeds to pull up her dress a bit to show her legs.

The woman then says: “If each of you gentlemen gives me $10 I will show you my thighs”. Again the men pull out their wallets, hand over the money and the woman pulls up her dress to show her legs.

The woman continues: “If you give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis”. All three hand over the money.

The woman then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance, that’s the hospital where I had it done!”
 

major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
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A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
 

major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
3,070
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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing…

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

RollingLaugh RollingLaugh RollingLaugh
 

major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
3,070
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Saturday morning a man gets up early, puts on his long johns, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, grabs his shotgun and the dog, slips quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeds to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. So, he pulls back into the garage, turns on the radio, and discovers that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

He, then, goes back into the house, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?”
 
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major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. . . ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’
 

major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, “Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I’m really cold.”

The woman responds, “Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?”

The man replies, “That would be amazing.”

The woman smiles and says, “Okay. Get your own f*cking blanket!”
 

major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
3,070
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A homeless guy asked me for money today… so I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself “Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?…Nah”

So I gave him the 20.
 

major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
3,070
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A Drill Sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said: “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The cadet replied: “Not me, Sarge…no sir!

“I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line.”
 
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major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
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Yesterday, I bought a bottle of Whiskey and was on my way home on my motorcycle. Suddenly a thought occurred to me; What if my motorcycle crashes? What would I drink once I get home?

So I stopped right then, and gulped the entire bottle down, sitting beside the road.

I’ll tell you, that was one of my smartest moves. I crashed 4 times before I reached home yesterday.
 

major.tom.foolery

Blackshirt
Dec 25, 2016
3,070
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113
Laughing Laughing Laughing

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it’s..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$750.”
Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”
 
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Sep 6, 2021
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So these 3 guys and their wives are attending an out of town convention. Company made all the arrangements so that's all taken care of.

When they get to the hotel they find the Company messed up and has only 2 rooms available, each with only 1 King size bed, and the other hotels are booked full.

The wives decide to all bunk together in one bed, and the guys figure for one night they can make it work.

They go out and party and then all turn in. About 2:00 in the morning, the guy on the outside shakes his buddy next to him and says,

"Man, I gotta go see my wife" The guy in the middle says, "why?"

The dude says, "I just woke up with the biggest erection I've had in 20 years and I wanna go surprise my wife."

So the guy in the middle says, "you want me to go with you?"

The dude say, "Hell no, why would you wanna go with me?"

The dude in the middle says, "well, because you're holding my cock."
 
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