OT: how about a bit of levity?….

major.tom.foolery

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and it warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and it warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have! you ever heard of a penis ?"

"Yes," said the mother, "why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, . . "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they ?"
 

major.tom.foolery

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LETTER FROM HILLBILLY MOM TO HILLBILLY SON

Dear Son,

If you are reading this letter, it’s because you received it. If you don’t get it, let me know, and I’ll resend it. Also, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address, wish I would have thought of that.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen ‘em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with those heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. However, here’s some good news. We finally buried your grandpa. We found his body after we moved. We found him in the closet, and I guess he had been there since the last time he beat us at hide-n-seek.

Last week, I was feeling under the weather. The doctor came to the house stuck a thin glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for 10 minutes. Your dad offered to buy the tube from the doctor, can you believe him!

About your dad, I’m very proud of him. He has a wonderful job with 500 people under him; he mows the lawn for the cemetery.

Your sister Betty Lou had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle, yet. However, if it is a girl, she’s going to name her after me; so, her name is gonna be mama.

We are a bit disappointed with your sister Mary Lou, though. Your dad asked her if she was pregnant. She said she was 5 months pregnant. But we are not convinced the baby is really hers.

You older brother, Bubba, locked the keys in the car the other day. The poor fool had to run all the way home to get the spare keys so he could let us out of the car.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some of the men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for about 3 days. Also. You know what’s strange son? I haven’t seen your uncle Billy Bob in a while. He is the one that died last year.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down in time.

Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.

Oh, if you see Ms. Goober tell her I said hello. But if you don’t see her, don’t tell her anything.

Love, Mom.

p.s. I was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
 
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major.tom.foolery

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A group of 30 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

20 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
 

major.tom.foolery

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A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

The genius says: “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.”

The idiot says: “Okay.”

The genius then asks: “How many continents are there in the world?” The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5.

The idiot says: “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?”

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.

The genius says: “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”

The idiot hands over $5.
 
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major.tom.foolery

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“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin asked the little boy

“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.

“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted Johnny. “I had to force him, but he ate it!
 

itseasyas1-2-3

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“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin asked the little boy

“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.

“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted Johnny. “I had to force him, but he ate it!
A Jewish family sat around the supper table.

The teenage son asks his Father, "Father can I have $ 3.00 to take my girlfriend to the picture show?"

The father replies, " $ 2.00?? What the hell you need
$ 1.00 for?"
 
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major.tom.foolery

First Team All-Big Ten
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A Jewish family sat around the supper table.

The teenage son asks his Father, "Father can I have $ 3.00 to take my girlfriend to the picture show?"

The father replies, " $ 2.00?? What the hell you need
$ 1.00 for?"
Oy vey! Must've been a long week...I didn't get this one.

Care to explain it? But, please, type slowly so I can follow it.
 
Last edited:

dragonraider1

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While deployed on maneuvers in Elk City (?), OK 1973. Nature called and I went to the latrine tent to leave a deposit. An E-1 was finishing up as I sat down. As he pulled his pants up a nickel fell out of his pocket and bounced into the hole.
He pulled up a leg and proceeded to retrieve it.
"What the hell? You are not going into that hole for a nickel are you?"
He looked at me then pulled all the change from his pocket and threw it in the hole.
"WTF??"
Well I certainly wasn't going down in there for a nickel.
"Of course not."
 
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major.tom.foolery

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A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. “Isn’t there anything I can do?”, pleaded the patient.

“Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”
 

major.tom.foolery

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
 

major.tom.foolery

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A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid’s bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her…

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?” And then she switched on the light…

“No madam,” said the gardener.
 
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major.tom.foolery

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened.”
 
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major.tom.foolery

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
 
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major.tom.foolery

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Dec 25, 2016
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I’d offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor’s. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.

“Mom, we’ve got to go,” I interjected, but she couldn’t hear me over the chatter. “Mom!” I repeated as I pulled her away.

“Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do,” she said, getting into the car. “That woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”
 

major.tom.foolery

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One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

“Sir, your question is so easy that I’m going to let my driver explain it to you.”
 

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