OT: Go To One-Liners

[bigboxes]

You must be twins. No one person could be that stupid.

 

[schuele]

From Season 2 of Fargo:

“You think I’m stupid?”

“Son, I could fill a steamer trunk with the amount of stupid I think you are.”

 

[Baxter48]

She so ugly she’s a Oklahoma two sacker

 

[SantaBarbaraSker]

I would like to hear everyone's go to one-liner that is as good the next time you say it as the the first time you heard it

One of my favorites:

I wouldn't piss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire.

Whenever some D-bag, 20 something, able-bodied, pan handler ask me if I can spare some change, I say “I was just about to ask you the same thing” and wait for their awkward response.




.

 

[bomber89]

The best one liners are from an old cartoon character named Fog Horn Leg Horn.

That boy is as sharp as a bowling ball
That boy is more messed up than a feather in a windstorm
If that kid dont stop talking his tongue will get sunburnt
that boy is as subtle as a hand grenade
That boy is making more noise than a pair of skeletons on a tin roof
That boy gets under your skin more than a tattoo
You got as much nerve as a bum tooth
your muscles are as soggy as a used tea bag
you got more screws loose than a hardware store in an earthquake
Listen if you cant take a joke stay away from mirrors
you're about to exceed the limits of my medication
you are a full burrito short of a combination plate
trying to say something nice about you is like trying to pick up a turd on the clean end.

 

[skerfan]

This is so pointless it's like trying to rake water.

 

[6thdegree]

Go scratch your ass!

 

[Baxter48]

She’s just like the community bicycle every guy took turns riding her

 

[Rick.Shaw]

I would like to hear everyone's go to one-liner that is as good the next time you say it as the the first time you heard it

One of my favorites:

I wouldn't piss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire.

“Stop rough-housing on the Davenport.” Wtf? To this day I don’t know what my grandma was saying. Was a couch at one point labeled a “Davenport”? I’m guessing so. Only explanation.

 

[Baxter48]

“Stop rough-housing on the Davenport.” Wtf? To this day I don’t know what my grandma was saying. Was a couch at one point labeled a “Davenport”? I’m guessing so. Only explanation.

Yes for some reason a couch was call a Davenport I’ve never heard a reason for it. Just like 100 years ago every house had a parlor

 

[WHCSC]

“Stop rough-housing on the Davenport.” Wtf? To this day I don’t know what my grandma was saying. Was a couch at one point labeled a “Davenport”? I’m guessing so. Only explanation.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davenport_(sofa)

 

[litespeedhuskerfan]

Next time I decide to give a shit about what you think I'll keep that in mind.

 

[bigboxes]

You're a kind person. The stupid kind.

 

[HBK4life]

I used to have the body of a Greek God. Now I just have the body of a Greek. 😆

 

[dinglefritz]

From grumpier old men. You can wish in one hand and s*** in the other. See which one gets full first.

My grandpa was a wise old farmer that never went past the eighth grade but still had a very successful life. He liked to talk about politics and world events with his friends and relatives over a whiskey and water. He'd usually end with "well, I have got a PhD. You know, a post hole digger" he had a pretty low opinion of politicians and their hubris. My grandma, being equally wise and seeing the dangers of strong drink during the prohibition era, would let him have a drink or two when they were out socially, but she would not allow a bottle of any kind in the house. No beer either.

and here I thought PHD stood for Piles it Higher and Deeper

 

[dinglefritz]

I always heard the last one as "Buy them books and buy them books, but all they do is look at the pictures"
but yours works as well!

Uuuum my buddy always used to say, "you buy em books and buy em books and all they want to do is drink and screw"

 

[MacDiddly]

If you’re going to talk out of your ass, at least turn around so I can understand you

 

[cornhead1]

off like a herd of turtles

 

[Tuco Salamanca]

Off like a prom dress

 

[countrybob]

I was born in the dark, but not last night.

 

[The_Man_Behind_The_Man]

Two of the best imo...

“Get busy living or get busy dying” - Shawshank Redemption

“A man’s got to know his limitations.” - Clint Eastwood (Magnum Force)

 

[TheBeav815]

Uglier than a bucket full of assholes

Useless as tits on a boar

(to describe an overly difficult/annoying task) Like pushing a rope

10 gallons of crazy in a 5 gallon bucket